Esquire articles from January 2006

Esquire archives from January 2006

A night in at the movies.(Epson Moviemate 25 )
January 1, 2006... Every few years, a leading man gives a performance so impressive it makes the film an innovative classic. The designers of the new Epson Moviemate[TM] 25 have pulled a similar feat by building a portable projector as versatile as the actors...

The sound and the fury.(This Way In)
January 1, 2006... "Next time, couldn't you just keep the grand treatise on politics, theology, and science to yourself and grant me, a creationist, five more pages of gorgeous women?" Although our choice for Sexiest Woman Alive sparked a flurry of response...

The problem with superlatives.(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... To everyone who was a part of the Sexiest Woman Alive issue: perfect choice. Jessica Biel has been underrated for a long time. RICHARD MORRIS Janesville, Wis. Six months for that? Jessica Biel is gorgeous--I wouldn't kick her out...

A stone unturned.(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... When I reached page 166, I retrieved the subscription card I'd just thrown away and signed up for two more years. On that page was Sharon Stone, the Sexiest Woman Who Ever Lived ("In Praise of the 40s"). The only thing missing was a shot of the...

Excellent point of the month.(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... Why are there no women with dark complexions in your Women We Love issue? Not even one. How dare you offer up such a narrow swath of feminine pulchritude! And for the record, skin does not have to be white to "light his way" ("In Praise of the...

Intelligent design letters part I: the congratulatory.(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... I found Charles P. Pierce's "Greetings from Idiot America" both validating and deeply disturbing. Carl Sagan once warned that the soothing myths of superstition and pseudoscience would be resurrected in the face of continued scientific...

Suggestions of the month: other "sexiest women".(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... Scarlett Johansson, Sharon Manion (wife of reader Charles Manion, Lincoln, Rhode Island), Michelle Yeoh, a woman with scars, Lynn Whitfield, Halle Berry, Gabrielle Union, Meagan Good, a woman who doesn't work out all the time or have millions...

Intelligent design letters part II: the angry.(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... Your last issue was wonderful! I enjoyed everything from "A Funny Joke from a Beautiful Woman" to a treatise on why men should knit. I feasted my eyes upon the most beautiful woman in the world and then--what the fuck?--"Greetings from Idiot...

Intelligent design letters part III: the refreshingly amusing.(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)
January 1, 2006... In the spirit of science, and as a simple empirical refutation of Pierce's essay, I would like to offer page 157 of the November issue as proof that God has created all life, and that it is good. ROBERT MESSER Salem, Mich.

Reviewing the reviewer.(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... Your reviewer apparently did not live through the McCarthy era, as I did. Everyone was afraid to tangle with McCarthy--even Eisenhower, Murrow was the first to tackle him, and that made Murrow a patriot and a hero to me and many others. What...

Remember, we're at P.O. Box 1704, Sandusky, Ohio.(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... I didn't receive my issue, and I'm really beginning to get pissed off. What's the f#$king problem? Send me my issue! (I hope you guys don't think I'll be here forever, because I'm being released soon.) SEYMOUR QUILES Oneida...

Number of readers who ...(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)
January 1, 2006... Said Jessica Biel couldn't make a Tibetan monk climb down from the Himalayas: 1 Said Biel makes mens' "pee-pees go ba-doing-doing-doing": 1 Suggested we hire more "farm boys" as editors: 1 Wrote "Fuck you, faggot sow!" on a piece...

Incorrect!(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... A nicely rendered illustration accompanying the review of Good Night, and Good Luck has the movie's director, George Clooney, jamming an automatic weapon in the earhole of the film's wicked antagonist, Senator McCarthy. Only problem? It's...

Elsewhere in the bin.(This Way In THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... I got a good laugh out of the November issue. You have articles on leg shaving, self-tanning creams, and some French designer, and then you have the quiz "How Whipped Are You?" In it, you left out adding ten points for subscribing to your...

The outtakes match game.(This Way In)
January 1, 2006... What do you know about what they've learned? Perhaps not as much as you'd think. Match the What I've Learned interview outtake with one of the thirteen people featured in this year's Meaning of Life issue. (Most impressive correct answer:...

The world's hardest quiz: solved!(This Way In)
January 1, 2006... Each of these nine letters is from the title of a well-known American TV show, past or present, and is shown as it appears in the program's opening. What are the nine shows? WASTeLAND Find the answer to this (No. 31) and every other...

January's dedications & acknowledgments.(This Way In)
January 1, 2006... To the Cosmic Coffee Shop, provider of sustenance for three generations of Esquire staffers, which lost its lease and is no longer at the corner of 58th and Broadway. French fries have never been crispier. To fourteen-year-old Coleman Stegall...

Esquire downtown at Astor Place: Esquire is proud to be hosting events on behalf of the following non-profit organizations. Their work, commitment, and accomplishments affects our lives and our communities. Join us by reaching out and supporting these exceptional programs.(PUBLIC SERVICE PROMOTION)
January 1, 2006... CHILDREN'S SCHOLARSHIP FUND Founded in 1998 by John Walton and Ted Forstmann, the Children's Scholarship Fund provides partial tuition assistance for low-income families to send their children to private schools and maximize educational...

Funny * joke from a beautiful woman.(Man at His Best)
January 1, 2006... As told by ANNE HATHAWAY This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her....

The seven most remarkable things in culture this month.(The Awards)
January 1, 2006... one Best Tip "Shit jokes don't play in New Delhi." --From Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World, a new film starring Albert Brooks as a comedian sent to India and Pakistan on a fact-finding mission 2 Worst Mascots Neve (a...

Suspense has a new master: Q+A.(MAN AT HIS BEST: The Screen)
January 1, 2006... ESQ: How do you describe this movie? SC: It's a radical but also logical adaptation of the novel that's taken the heart, ethos and spirit of the book and spun that into a film. In so doing, it sort of asks these big questions: Why are we...

Cartoon silence: Sylvain Chomet resurrects the wordless film.(The Illusionist)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... "I CAN TELL YOU that in the next ten years, people are going to start to get bored seeing the same old animated film." So predicts French animator and director Sylvain Chomet, whose visually stunning and dialogueless The Triplets of Belleville...

Tim Fagan is a winner: and so are the other 2,212 aspiring musicians who gave my orphaned lyrics a home.(contests)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... WHEN I OFFERED UP some lyrics in this magazine a few months ago, I knew that for every submission Esquire would receive, there would be a story. Sure enough, when the entries started flowing in, they all sounded unique, yet they all shared a...

Put those hands together ... and listen to our finalists at esquire.com.(Music)
January 1, 2006... 1 The Frank Zappa Award Keith Rubin (Fort Lauderdale) Imagine Hedwig and the Angry Inch set around an Oompa-Loompa choir, with some overt ass kissing. ("Esquire magazine, Now, that's a tremendous read.") 2 Best Dorm-Room Duo Brandon...

Q+A: Adam Carolla.(In Other News ...)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... ADAM CAROLLA has a talk show on Comedy Central and a home-improvement show on TLC, and, beginning January 3, the former carpenter turned boxing instructor turned Loveline radio host takes over Howard Stern's prime time slot (and, he hopes,...

This is your destiny.(Marian Salzman)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... Marian Salzman can see the future. And her skills are harnessed for something very important: selling you stuff. As a VP at mega ad agency JWT, Salzman identifies trends and helps clients channel buzz. She's coauthored numerous books and...

Relax already! Three massage chairs that will change your life.(The Digital Man)(Panasonic Real Pro Elite)(RMS-15 Get-A-Way)(Omega M-3000 Montage)
January 1, 2006... TAKE A FUN-LOVING director of comedies and fill him with subconscious narcissistic rage. Know what you get? Sciatica--pervasive, debilitating, all-encompassing back pain. Barring coming to terms with the fact that my mother had me paged at a...

The rules.(MAN AT HIS BEST)
January 1, 2006... RULE NO. 274: Sharing your ChapStick with a beautiful woman is not the same as making out with her. But it's pretty damn close. RULE NO. 380: In out hearts, Al Roker is still chubby. RULE NO. 391: Goji berry is the funniest berry. RULE NO. 511:...

"Best Dressed Real Man in America".(By INVITATI ONLY)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2006... In September, Esquire and Chrysler hosted an exclusive cocktail reception in honor of the 5 finalists in the "Best Dressed Real Man in America" contest, a nationwide search that invited stylish men from across America to stand up and be judged...

Patron Gran Platinum.(StYLE AGENDA)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2006... The perfect Holiday gift for the person you thought has had the best of everything. Patron Gran Platinum is the world's finest platinum ultra premium tequila. Triple distilled and slightly aged to perfection, it is a true connoisseur's tequila....

PREVAGE[TM] anti-aging treatment.(partnership of Elizabeth Arden and Allergan Dermatology)(Brief Article)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2006... Time is no match for science. The partnership of Elizabeth Arden and Allergan Dermatology introduces PREVAGE[TM] anti-aging treatment. PREVAGE[TM] incorporates Idebenone, a revolutionary new skincare ingredient proven to alter the chain...

Born Footwear.(StYLE AGENDA)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... Get ready for a season of rich color, textural styling and classic great looks from Born Handcrafted Footwear. Handsome detailing, luxe, rugged leathers and all-out utility come together in an indispensable mix of styles that take you anywhere...

Sex: when I go down on my girlfriend, I often have to stop because she becomes cold. When I kiss her on the lips, they actually feel cold, as if she had just been sipping a cold beverage. Is this common?(sex research)
January 1, 2006... Is it ever! In fact, a woman's body can get so cold, so quickly, that her partner has to stop completely, get himself together, and hightail it out of the morgue. Let me ask you something: When you see this girlfriend of yours, is she in a...

Bacon tempura! Deep-fried pork product of the month.(healthy eating)
January 1, 2006... AS WE ALL KNOW. healthy eating is all about moderation. That is why, when I'm enjoying deep-fried bacon, I limit myself strictly to two slices. Per meal. No exceptions. That's right, bacon tempura: the impossible goodness of pork belly...

Royally drunk.(Fat Prince)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... Not a week goes by that we don't say a prayer of thanks for the various dukes, barons, princes, and so forth who used to more or less run things for us. No, we're not monarchists; that would be silly. Rather, we regard the nobles as a jeweler...

Things we won't be covering in esquire this month.(Food & Drink)(Editorial)
January 1, 2006... Ancora, a new CD from Il Divo, an all-male pop-opera foursome discovered by Simon Cowell. Yoga for Regular Guys, the instructional workout book coauthored by wrestler Diamond Dallas Page and Dr. Craig Aaron. Man candles: masculine...

Your problem: my eyebrows are growing like kudzu. Ear and nose hair, too.(beauty salons)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... Rodney's wisdom: A lot of people think that eyebrows are something you can take care of at home, but I disagree. They're too easy to overdo, and you can end up looking worse than when you started. If you refuse to spend a couple bucks...

The endorsement: the industrial toilet.(plumbing fixtures)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... MY FIRST Chicago apartment was old, dark, and no roomier than a large camping tent. Devoid of a dishwasher, its only worthwhile amenity was a toilet of the 3.5-gallon "institutional" variety. Loud and voracious, the tankless beast was powered...

The rules.(Food & Drink)
January 1, 2006... RULE NO. 352: One statement your clothes shouldn't make about you: "There's a good chance the guy in these clothes is wearing I Axe body spray." RULE NO. 401: Regardless of the vibe you think you're getting from your dentist, you should never...

Super Fungus.(microbiological research)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... A PSYCHEDELIC-MUSHROOM TRIP cured Paul Stamets of stuttering when he was 16. More than 30 years of obsessive fungi foraging later, the 50-year-old mycologist is convinced that mushrooms can save the planet-not to mention your body. As kooky as...

Free advice from a medical professional.(quality of booze)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... The better the booze, the lesser the hang-over--or so I'm told. Is this true? YES. The alcohol gets you drunk, but it's the impurities in the spirit that give you a hangover. And the cheaper the hooch, the greater the percentage of...

Dangerous knowledge: the unhealthy guide to the healthy guide to unhealthy living.(Brief Article)(Book Review)
January 1, 2006... OKAY, I WAS STOKED to review this one. At last, I thought, a book that will teach me to play both ends against the middle, a step-by-step guide to cutting your nose off to spite your face. And when I saw the subtitle--How to Survive Your Bad...

Dangerous spectator sports, shoe shines, the two-day weekend & DIY opium.(The Answer Fella)
January 1, 2006... ESQUIRE'S ANSWER FELLA believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid people who don't ask questions, fearing they'll look stupid. So ask Answer Fella anything. If he doesn't know the answer, he'll find out who does or who has a...

The not-so-shameless obsession of the month: the perfect fit.(fitting suits)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... It is the ultimate difference-maker, more undeniably capable of transforming you into something larger than yourself than a fleeting run at the blackjack table or an afternoon behind the wheel of a borrowed 911. Oh, you own that 911? Fine, but...

Anatomy of the perfect fit: because it's about more than just your waist and inseam. Here's what you need to know.(the guide)
January 1, 2006... The Lapel The ideal suit has the lapel notch relatively high up toward the shoulder, since when folded closed (as jackets once were to keep out the cold), the lapels should meet, with the notch right under your Adam's apple. Three-button...

The (suit) rules.(men's suits)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... Suit Rule No. 19: Your suit size? The one you're buying, minus two, Suit Rule No. 20:. Suits aren't something you grow into. Suit Rule No. 121: No one knows what type of man looks good in a double-breasted suit. This should tell you something....

What to wear with a suit: because ever since Roth got kicked out of Van Halen, going shirtless just ain't cool.(the guide: user's manual)
January 1, 2006... THE YOUNGSTER You like: Youth. May we suggest (above): A crisp white shirt and a dark tie. An alternative (left): A button-down wink to preppydom. in blue. Two-button wool-and-cashmere suit ($1,325), cotton shirt ($225), and...

Which shape are you? There's a suit to fit each one.(the guide: user's manual)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2006... Are you a Drop Six? If you are, you're a suit maker's dream: Your chest is six inches larger than your waist. You can wear anything. Sadly, most of us don't live inside those ideal tailoring measurements. Instead, in pursuit of comfort, most...

The drowsy dozen: an impassioned plea for professional jurors, from a man who just spent a long time as an amateur.(Chuck Klostermans' America)
January 1, 2006... So I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking about growing a beard. I'm thinking about how terrible my fantasy football team is, and how Randy Moss is more unstoppable in theory than he is in practice. I'm thinking about a conspiracy theory I just...

13 things you don't know about women.
January 1, 2006... 1 Even if it's cheap jewelry from the drugstore, we'll get all girlie and adore you for it. (Take the price tag and label off, fellas.) 2. When you order before us, the waiter secretively throws us a disgusted glance urging us to break up...

Our modest little downtown pad.(THE ESQUIRE APARTMENT)
January 1, 2006... ULTIMATE BACHELOR LIVING: 13-rm, triple-mint flr-thru in NYC's spnk-new Astor Place bldg. Amenities incl: decor by all-star rstr of dsgnrs, f-to-c wndws w/spctlr cty vws, freq starlet sightings. Prfct for: hosting kck-a parties. $12.5 mil. ...

Howard goes Berserk: it's Howard's bitter end. It's Howard's brave beginning. America, brace yourself.(What I've Learned: 18,380 Words of Wisdom)
January 1, 2006... Howard Stern (American, 51, New York City) Inspiration I'M STANDING with my back to the shower. The water's warm, and it's hitting my head. I'm not wearing my glasses, so I can't see anything. It's all a haze. I lose focus and go...

Jerry Lewis (Comedian, 79, Las Vegas).(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... Hey, Penny! Forty-three years, Penny's been in my office. She's something else. She doesn't let me get away with anything. Penny, bring me an orange soda, honey. You haven't done a goddamn thing all day. I will tell you about interviews:...

John Kerry (Senator, 62, Washington, D.C.).(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... An honest answer is that I was more knocked on my ass when I was younger. Because when I lost the race for Congress in 1972, everything was new, raw, and fresh. That experience taught me how to pick up the pieces and go on. It taught me that...

Alyssa Milano (Actress, 33, Los Angeles).(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... Italian men age very well. That's what I've learned from Tony Danza. At the time I did Embrace of the Vampire, I was going through a transition from child star to adult actor. I was on Who's the Boss? from age eleven to nineteen. After the...

Neil Young (Legend, 60, Woodside, California).(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... A best moment in music? Sometimes when I'm playing my guitar, I get to a point where it gets very cold and icy inside me. It's very refreshing. Every breath is like you're at the North Pole. Your head starts to freeze. Your inhalations are...

Ron Howard (Director, 51, Armonk, New York) & Brian Grazer (Producer, 54, Pacific Palisades, California).(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... The collaboration Brian Grazer and Ron Howard began in 1982 with Night Shift, a comedy about two very different men (played by Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton) who turn a morgue into a whorehouse. Thirteen films (including Oscar winner A...

What you've learned: our second-annual collection of wit, wonder, and wild foolishness from our readers' lives.(What I've Learned)(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2006... If a woman asks you how many sexual partners you've had, the only answer is twelve.--Mark Motroni, 39, Manhasset, New York A child's laughter is the greatest sound in the world. A child's laughter in a cornfield is the creepiest sound in...

Bob Saget (Entertainer, 49, Los Angeles).(What I've Learned)
January 1, 2006... I love anybody funny--even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit--just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of...

Arianna Huffington (Pundit, 55, Brentwood, California).(What I've Learned)
January 1, 2006... The qualities I look for in a man are the qualities I look for in a blogger: passion, relentlessness, risk taking, and a light touch. Being Greek is being a political animal. The ancient Greeks had a word for people who weren't interested...

C. Ray Nagin (Mayor, 49, New Orleans).(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... Esquire magazine is coming to Ray Nagin for some wisdom? Am I getting Punk'd? My press secretary must be settin' me up. Where's the hidden camera? Yeah, my shoe-shine guy, that's how I came to be sitting here. But it's a little more...

Salman Rushdie (Novelist, 58, New York City).(What I've Learned)
January 1, 2006... People have asked me about those years, and I've said, "They were very difficult." And they've followed with, "Yeah, but now you're really famous!" As if that balanced the scale. Nine years of your life/really famous. Fine. It's like the pound...

B.B. King (Bluesman, 80, Las Vegas).(What I've Learned)
January 1, 2006... Some people say that blues singers are always cryin' in their beer. But you know what? I don't drink. I don't think it's meant for man to know everything at once. This year, I will do something like 180, 190 concerts. But that's a...

Tony Curtis (Eccentric, 80, Las Vegas).(What I've Learned)
January 1, 2006... How many people on this planet are van Goghs? Imagine an abstract painter who's fucking nuts, who cuts off his ear, who lives with potato eaters when he could live better. Sells one painting his whole life. Imagine finding a nut like him in the...

All dressed up ... and, just as soon as he finds his way out of this hotel, Jonathan Rhys Meyers can go anywhere he damn well pleases. After all, his convincing lead role in Match Point is part of the best Woody Allen movie in a decade.(actors)(Interview)
January 1, 2006... Whether as a moody glare rocker in 1998's Velvet Goldmine, a rugged soccer coach in 2002's Bend It Like Beckham, or as the King himself in 2005's CBS miniseries Elvis, twenty-eight-year-old Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers has angled his...

Ziyi: call her Ziyi Zhang or Zhang Ziyi. Either way, she's a woman we love.(Interview)
January 1, 2006... Ziyi Zhang (or Zhang Ziyi, as she's known in China) has just checked herself into a Beijing hospital. She is suffering from a mysterious respiratory ailment that she developed on the set of the Chinese film The Banquet. We feel for her. But for...

Exodus: the storm came and took everything from the St. Bernard projects. But it's not like things were that great to begin with.
January 1, 2006... But it's not like things were that great to begin with. Dexter Brown He escaped New Orleans with nothing but a T-shirt and a pair of jeans, and for a while he lived in the Houston Astrodome, Row J, fourth bunk from the end. He woke up...

The hardest quiz ever: the answers.
January 1, 2006... Here are the solutions to "The Hardest Quiz Ever," published in the December issue. The quiz is available at esquire.com. 1. Anne Rice 2. Sight, heaRing, sMell, Taste, touCh 3. Mind your business 4. Hop on Pop 5. 60 ...

The intelligent designer.(What I've Learned)
January 1, 2006... To me, it's the same whether I'm doing a species or a continent or a pestilence. It's about being open to doing new things--stretching my wings. Space. Now, that's a space. At this point, I can only legally say that I am in talks with...