Esquire articles from January 2005

Esquire archives from January 2005

The sound and the fury.(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2005... A SOAKED AND SULTRY Angelina Jolie glistened from the cover of November's Women We Love issue. The adulation continued inside with more of our favoriteslust inducers Carolyn Murphy, Serena Williams, Mandy Moore--and yours. Also, Scott Raab put...

The man in the undisclosed location.(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2005... Our exploration of Dick Cheney's closely guarded foreign-policy strategies caught flak from both his fans and foes. Thanks to Walter Russell Mead for enlightening me about Dick Cheney. It turns out the problem I have with him and the...

Sleeping with the enemy.(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2005... Scott Raab's soiree with conservatism's female embodiment might not have ended with a kiss, but it certainly brought a lot of lip--from readers, that is. Ah, the singular Ann Coulter! Scott Raab does the naive thing: sit by her for a few...

Funny * joke from a beautiful woman.(Man at His Best)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2005... As told by TERI POLO A Scotsman in traditional garb Walks into a bar. A few hours Later; he stumbles into the street and passes out. White he's unconscious; two tourist girls walk up to him, They want to check and see if the rumor about...

The awards: the seven most remarkable things in culture this month.(Man at His Best)
January 1, 2005... (1) Nakedest Lady --From Soft, a mildly pornographic new photo book by Richard Kern (2) Least Cuddly Doll "Pour me a double, I'm drinkin' fer two!" --Trash Tatkin' Turleen. "the world's first talking pregnant Trailer Trash...

Satellite radio's for real: screw FM. Once you go galactic, you never go back.(Music)(frequency modulation)
January 1, 2005... I'M MY OWN FAVORITE RADIO PERSONALITY. Yet even though I've been on XM Satellite Radio as the host of The Esquire Minute for two years, I've yet to hear myself on air. That's because I don't subscribe. I'm too fickle to commit 15 gigs of music...

This month's lesson: the trouble with fulfillment.(Music Lessons with John Mayer)
January 1, 2005... WHY CHRIS MARTIN MAY FACE THE ARTISTIC CHALLENGE OF HIS CAREER Down the street from me at the Hit Factory, one of my generation's best bands, Coldplay, is in the midst of recording its new album. Normally, I'd feel pangs of jealousy that...

Pirates, Bowie, and Bill Murray: with his latest movie, Wes Anderson, our auteur of arrested adolescence, finally contemplates growing up.(Movies; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou)
January 1, 2005... AS HILARIOUS AS WES ANDERSONS'S latest comedy frequently is, the funniest thing about it may well turn out to be hearing the Moviefone dude attempt to wrap his inflection around the film's cumbersome title. Originally, this goofy undersea...

Q+A: Don Cheadle.(Movies)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... THE THINKING MAN'S character actor, Don Cheadle is every smart director's secret weapon, Steven Soderbergh should know: He's used him four times now, most recently to reprise his part as a cockney explosives expert in Ocean's Twelve. Cheadle's...

Shutterbug: stalking Annette Bening--and the best in digital video.(The Digital Man)
January 1, 2005... WHAT BETTER TIME to test out the latest slew of new mini digital video cameras than at the Telluride Film Festival? I spent a great deal of time trying to track down Annette Bening to get her to be in my next movie. I also got to hang out a...

How to spot the sucker at the table: is he you?(Dangerous Knowledge *)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2005... "IT'S TO ME?" he'll bray stubbornly, again and again and again, in the face of the clockwise betting order's chiseled-in-granite clarity. Next it's always "Did he check?" or "How much can I bet?" And at least once an hour, he can be relied on...

The best moments to live dangerously ... according to the forthcoming book The Best Time to Do Everything (Bloomsbury, $14).(Dangerous Knowledge *)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2005... The best time to... * Fire someone: As soon as the termination-worthy offense comes to light, regardless of the day. Wait until. Friday and you give the offender time to do more damage, and it could look as if you've tried to milk a...

Butt sinks, ballet, micturition & @&?!#ing.(Answer Fella)
January 1, 2005... ESQUIRE'S ANSWER FELLA believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid people who don't ask questions, fearing they'll, look stupid. So ask Answer Fella anything. If he doesn't know the answer, he'll find out who does, or who has a...

Upgrades: whether you're nursing the free champagne or stuck in the middle seat, traveling with quality makes me trip that much smoother.(The Esquire Catalog)(Buyers Guide)
January 1, 2005... (1) Traveling Ready London label Spencer Hart has found a way for the elegant man to pocket his essentials. Designer Nick Hart's travel blazer has eleven built-in pockets to carry your ticket and passport, a good read, and an illegal Cuban...

Ten things you don't know about women.(Brief Article)
January 1, 2005... 1. There is a name for women who don't fart. They are called liars. 2. On those nights when we say we're just gonna stay home, we do, but we invite our girlfriends over, put on nighties, and have tickle parties. 3. Turn-ons:...

Culture got you down? Get over it. You'll be happier--and a lot less annoying.(Chuck Klosterman's America)(Column)
January 1, 2005... "IF I HAD TO CHOOSE between betraying my country and betraying my friend," E. M. Forster once wrote, "I hope I should have the guts to betray my country." This quote teaches us a lot, particularly that dead British novelists made for good...

R.O.C.K. in the NBA.(Chuck Klosterman's America)(Column)
January 1, 2005... Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti is an especially mind-expanding album. I like to Listen to it whenever I'm sitting in the dark at three in the morning, which is something I did last night. However, I suppose my apartment wasn't completely...

Sex.
January 1, 2005... My girlfriend and I want to film ourselves having sex. Any pointers on achieving the best results? What a glorious time to be a home pornographer! Now anyone with a hard-on and a Best Bug credit card can be a regular Peter Bigdongovich, or...

Pimp my palace.(The Esquire House)
January 1, 2005... The mission: Take an unfinished hilltop mansion in Los Angeles, owned by one Keyshawn Johnson, and transform it into the Esquire Man's Ultimate Oasis. We tricked it out with nineteen plasma TVs and $7 million in art and let the world's best...

Drug of the month: Choline Cocktail II.(Getting Better)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2005... Think of CCII as a sort of greatest-hits lineup for your brain. There's choline, a component of vitamin B that helps form the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, which in turn makes it possible for you to remember where you left your keys. And...

Preemptive sandwiches.(Getting Better)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2005... LIKE ANY SELF-RESPECTING man of science, Oxford biochemist John Stanley doesn't appreciate surprises. So he studied the nutrients in some of his favorite foods and designed these sandwiches to protect himself--and you--from post-lunch lethargy,...

PER LUI PER LEI the solid revolution is coming ... will you be ready?(Style agenda: a special promotion for Esquire readers)
January 1, 2005... Wear a PER LUI PER LEI silk shirt and get noticed. PER LUI PER LEI silk is comfortable luxury. Only the world's finest quality silk is used to create each PER LUI PER LEI shirt. The art of these shirts is in the details: vibrant colors,...

Bill Blass Timepieces.(Style agenda: a special promotion for Esquire readers)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2005... Some build a watch... we built a legacy. The immediately recognizable signature of an American fashion legend is applied to luxury watches for the first time in Bill Blass Timepieces. Retail $350-$3,495. Shown here is Havana. For more...

Balance[R] Carbwell[TM] nutrition energy bar.(Style agenda: a special promotion for Esquire readers)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2005... BALANCE[R] CARBWELL[TM] bars are great tasting triple layer nutrition/ energy bars for those managing their carbohydrate intake. BALANCE CarbWell comes in 3 delicious flavors-Caramel 'n Chocolate, Chocolate Fudge and Chocolate Peanut Butter....

The official car of your dreams.(Style agenda: a special promotion for Esquire readers)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2005... Introducing the all-new sixth generation 2005 Corvette. From its standard 400-hp LS2 V8 to its sleek, taut body to its highly refined cockpit, the Corvette is everything a sports car can--and should--be. Visit your local Chevy dealer or...

Gorgeous George: Mr. Clooney anchors our fourth-annual collection of wisdom, wonder, and wild foolishness from a dozen legendary lives.(What I've Learned, 2005)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... My first memory is when was four years old: a family reunion at my uncle George's farmhouse. Uncle George was one of those great guys, a true character who claimed to have been a World War II bomber pilot and dated Miss America, one of...

Rock star (Ozzy Osbourne), 56, Beverly Hills.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... I grew up in Aston, a neighborhood in Birmingham, right at the poverty line. I always felt shitty and intimidated by everyone. So my whole thing was to act crazy and make people laugh so they wouldn't jump on me. My problem is that by the...

Showman (Vince McMahon), 59, Greenwich, Connecticut.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... The world is a complex place. Very complex. Often you will find that the people you think are the good guys aren't. And the people portrayed as the bad guys aren't that bad. I'm not necessarily saying they're good. But they're not that bad....

Talk-show host (Regis Philbin), 73, New York City.(What I've Learned)(Column)
January 1, 2005... I wake up ninety minutes before I go on the air. It's not much time, is it? I'm nervous only if I don't go out the night before or if there is nothing I can think of to talk about. Because the audience is used to that opening twenty...

Lunatic (Ralph Steadman), 68, Maidstone, Kent, England.(What I've Learned)(Brief Article)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... These pictures are what I call "knee jobs"--I draw them on a light drawing board across my knees while sitting in a green leather La-Z-Boy--and they've never been published before. I am sorry if you had hoped for something more conventional....

Superblond (Pamela Anderson), 37, Malibu, California.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... People say I'm the ultimate California girl, which is funny, being that I'm Canadian. Come on, people! It's never what it seems. My grandfather was a healer from Finland. My real last name is Hyytianen. He changed it to Anderson when...

Mayor (OScar Goodman), 65, Las Vegas.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... I love showgirls. They are the living, breathing embodiment of everything Las Vegas. I think they get a bad rap. You can only eat one steak at a time. When I was first elected, I had two little doggies at home. Now I have only one, so...

Forward (Carmelo Anthony), 20, Denver, Colorado.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... I can't palm a basketball. Shhhhhhh. That's a secret. Everybody is not always your friend. That's the biggest lesson from my rookie year. Sometimes it can seem like I have green pigment to everyone else. There are times when me and...

Peacemaker (Jimmy Carter), 80, Plains, Georgia.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... As a boy on the farm, I stayed barefoot from the middle of March until the middle of October. I never have been asked to take off my shoes when I go through airport security. There's a cartoon in the other room that goes back to when I...

Reverend (Al Sharpton), 50, New York City.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... People feel you more than they hear you. You've gotta talk to the audience in front of you. In a church, I use biblical references. When I'm talking to a business crowd, I talk about bottom line, profit motive. I spoke at Dillard...

Former head of the Motion Picture Association of America, special assistant to President Johnson, adman, author, fighter pilot (Jack Valenti), 83, Washington, D.C.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
January 1, 2005... Texans have a special seeing of history and some molecular connection to deeds far away done. I wouldn't be born in any other state. I flew fifty-one combat missions during World War II, and we got shot at every time. Churchill wrote,...

What you've learned.
January 1, 2005... To all you readers who submitted your own What I've Learned column: thank you. You're a wise, wise group. Alas, space is limited. Congrats to you winners. There is nothing wrong with a barbecue in the park that a pinata can't fix.--Luciano...

The America dream: in all of Iraq, Jumana Hanna was the bravest witness to the horror of Saddam's regime, telling the Americans of torture, rape, and mass murder. In Washington, Hanna became a potent symbol of Iraqi liberation, and the Bush administration brought Hanna and her children to the United States for their protection. Then the author discovered the realty horrible truth.
January 1, 2005... Jumana Mikhail Hanna sits on the edge of an overstuffed floral-patterned love seat, digging excitedly into the black leather handbag she once carried into a meeting with Uday Hussein. The meeting had been scheduled at her request, and by the...

I want that guy's job.(Esquire Style)
January 1, 2005... MICHAEL IMPERIOLI Actor, director, and producer Michael Imperioli's role as the caustic Christopher on The Sopranos made his mug a household face. But now that The Sopranos is filming its final season, he'll have the opportunity to...

Paz Vega: una mujer we love.(Interview)
January 1, 2005... If you saw the Spanish film Sex and Lucia, perhaps you noticed Paz Vega. She was the girl on the scooter, the one who spent most of her scenes either naked on the beach or naked in bed. No? Well, strangely, this film about a very hot,...

Eric and Oz do the ol' switcheroo: in which a world-renowed chef becomes a heart surgeon and vice versa. A radical experiment in the pursuit of perfection.
January 1, 2005... Two guys who just met sitting on a veranda at a house party just like a million other house parties. Two guys sitting at a wrought-iron table covered with salad, pasta, barbecue, grilled vegetables, and good wine, doing what two guys who just...

Tyrant (ret.) (Saddam Hussein), 67, Camp Cropper, Iraq.(What I've Learned)
January 1, 2005... It's tough. You never really know whether your people adore you for who you are or simply for your large, torture-prone security apparatus. In terms of Leadership style, I'd say Pol Pot. But in terms of facial-hair style, Stalin,...