Esquire articles from January 2004

Esquire archives from January 2004

The sound & the fury.(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2004... ON THE COVER of our November issue, Britney Spears left readers speechless by celebrating seventy years of Women We Love without the benefit of trousers. Inside, we surveyed some of the most enduring--and at times embarrassing--objects of...

A whiter shade of pale.(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2004... Tucker Carlson's "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" was yet another piece of the exemplary journalism and storytelling Esquire delivers, unfailingly, every month. Carlson helped legitimize the convictions of some individuals other media...

The Man of Tomorrow is peeved.(Letter to the Editor)
January 1, 2004... Mike Sager's profile of seventeen-year-old Jesse Epstein continues to elicit strong responses from readers ("The Man of Tomorrow Goes to the Prom," October). While many offer praise for Sager's compelling-portrait of an adolescent male circa...

The new official beverage of Esquire photo shoots.
January 1, 2004... In an interview published in the November 3 issue of Newsweek, our November cover subject, Britney Spears, confessed, "I was in a moment. I had, like, eight Red Bulls and said, 'Okay, let's do it.'... Not that it's dirty or tacky, but it is...

The best and brightest puzzle: the answers.(put down your pencils ...)
January 1, 2004... WERE YOU SMART ENOUGH? Accompanying our Best and Brightest issue last month was an eight-part puzzle ("Forward Thinking") created by Mike Shenk, Amy Goldstein, and Robert Leighton of the game company Puzzability. Here are the solutions. I...

Contributors.(Esquire writer Cal Fussman on what he's learned from writing magazine's "What I've Learned" column)
January 1, 2004... Over the last five years, writer at large CAL FUSSMAN has conducted more than forty What I've Learned interviews and (along with writer at large Mike Sager, who has done fourteen, including Jack Nicholson in this issue) has become a master of...

Funny joke from a beautiful woman.(the looker; actress Kathryn Morris)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... Three old gals are sitting on a park bench, and a flasher comes up and flashes them. Two of the gals have a stroke. But the third couldn't reach that far. As told by KATHRYN MORRIS About the jokester: Morris made her feature-film debut...

A the awards: the 9 most remarkable things in culture this month.(man at his best)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... 1 Angriest Definition "Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle." --From the new reprint of Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary, with illustrations by...

... To be optimistic about 2004.(the list)
January 1, 2004... 1. Curb Your Enthusiasm on DVD. 2. Jason Kidd and Alonzo Mourning, together at last. 3. The end of the spray-on-tan fad. 4. November is slaughter month. 5. Watching English soccer hooligans beat up Frenchmen at the 2004...

The perfect airport shoes.(travel; Johnston and Murphy Inc.'s steel-free shoe gets you past airport metal detectors with little fuss)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... It sounded too good to be true when Johnston & Murphy claimed to have designed a steel-free shoe that wouldn't set off airport metal detectors, so I tested the shoes' mettle on a recent trip from JFK. In a pair of J&M Signature Series Zimmers...

This month's object of lust: the anniversary edition Porsche 911.(travel)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR. Gorgeous, I tell you. Go on, check out the backside, with its lusciously sloping curve. Or the famous headlights, bulging and enticing. Or the thrust--a powerful and throaty 345 horsepower, 25 more than a normal 911's....

The extravagant man: the $800 million cruise ship.(travel; amenities available on Cunard Line Ltd.'s Queen Mary 2)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... THE QUEEN MARY 2, which makes its maiden voyage this month, is an extreme boat. It's the biggest cruise ship ever (21 stories high), and the most pricey (it cost almost a billion to build). It's also the most absurd. The amenities are so...

The secret hotel: the Goring in London.(travel; Goring Hotel)(Hotel Review)
January 1, 2004... THERE'S NO GUARANTEE EVEN THE MOST experienced London cabbie will know where the Goring Hotel is. Mine, an old guy, twisted up his face like a washcloth when I asked. So I jogged him: "Little place? On a side street near the palace?" ...

LBJ'S brisket.(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... Seeking specials, chef Daniel Orr of New York City's Guastavino's asked his brother, a Texan and lifelong Democrat, for recommendations. He happened to be reading up on LBJ, "Johnson had this barbecued brisket he ate whenever he'd come back to...

The taste of Booze in China.(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... FOLLOWING A CENTURIES-OLD TRADITION, master craftsmen select the grains--sorghum and wheat--combine them with special yeast cakes and water, and allow the resulting mash to ferment eight times under carefully controlled conditions. This...

The east is pink.(Cocktails.)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... Stir well with cracked ice: 2 oz Mei Kuei Lu Chiew ("Rose dew liquor"; basically, a smoother moutai with rose petals), 3 dashes Peychaud's bitters, 2 dashes orange bitters, 1/2 tsp lemon juice, and 1/2 tsp simple syrup. Strain into chilled...

Fast food: the 478-second sesame noodles.(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... THE CHINESE DRINK LIKE ROCK STARS, but never on an empty stomach. On January 22, 4702, they'll be toasting the Year of the Monkey. We encourage you to join them. But first, make a quick batch of these excellent sesame noodles. They're faster...

The best art book of 2003.(Book Review)
January 1, 2004... This book is filled with big girls and broken plates and the name Spinoza rendered in huge letters, otherwise known as the artwork of Julian Schnabel. Called simply Julian Schnabel (Abrams, $75), it's a beautiful work with 450 illustrations and...

The best books of 2003: working from the not-so-crazy assumption that writers know from writing, we asked Esquire's own esteemed writers for their favorite books of the year. Here are their answers.(Directory)
January 1, 2004... [1] STAGOLEE SHOT BILLY | Cecil Brown (Harvard Univ. Press, $30) The American Iliad begins with a theft, not of a god-kissed queen, but of a John B. Stetson hat, which is a far more functional item. The echoes of the crime--indeed, the...

The rules.(answer fella)
January 1, 2004... Rule No. 21: Avoid any restaurant where the daily specials are displayed by way of plastic replicas. Rule No. 85: A man should never own more than two pairs of convertible pants. Rule No. 594: Flame decals do not fool passersby into thinking...

Leather, chest hair, memory tricks & Hitler's mustache.(answer fella)
January 1, 2004... ESQUIRE'S ANSWER FELLA believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid people who don't ask questions, fearing they'll look stupid. So ask Answer Fella anything. If he doesn't know the answer, he'll find out who does, or who has a...

Reptile style.(alligator accents; latest trend in accessories )(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] Caption: First, a few important facts about crocodiles and alligators: Both belong to the order Crocodylia, both swallow rocks to help with digestion and buoyancy, and both appear on Animal Planet every night. Oh,...

Sartorial cinema.(mod suits; Michael Caine's title character in Alfie looked to for fashion inspiration)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... For a quick lesson on how to capture the essential 1960s mod style, look no further than Michael Caine's title character in the 1966 film Alfie (below left). The film coincided with the explosion of mod staples among Carnaby Street in...

How to get the Alfie look.(mod suits)(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... You don't have to be a British movie star to get the mod look just right. It has a handful of very simple elements: a formfitting two-button single-breasted suit with thin lapels, a white shirt, a skinny tie, and a great pair of Chelsea boots....

The Esquire style quiz: earn your stripes by matching the challenging shirt with the correct patterned tie.(the style guide)
January 1, 2004... [ILLUSTRATIONS OMITTED] Answers: (1) C A bit Silicon Valley conservative, but the white checks on the tie match the shirt's stripes. This is the sartorial equivalent of graduating from high school; don't uncork the Cristal just yet, but...

6 ways to be entertained in January.(The Index)
January 1, 2004... 1.04 A Movie to See Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci go roller-skating, get shit-faced, and have wild lesbian sex in Daytona Beach, Florida. Sounds delightful, right? Actually, no. In between all that good clean fun, Theron's character,...

The man in the ice: Duncan MacPherson, a former first-round draft pick of the New York Islanders, was twenty-three when he disappeared while snowboarding. Fourteen years later, in the heat of last summer, he reappeared.
January 1, 2004... EVEN THE LANDSCAPE HAS CHANGED in the meantime. Not the biggest things--Saskatoon still rises out of the flats, and a green river still runs through it, and the prairie sky still swallows up the land in the same big hopeful blue. But since...

On friendstership: I'm on Friendster.com. So's Courtney Love. So's Bob in purchasing. Who are we, and why do we keep imploring you to join us?(Column)
January 1, 2004... I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WRITING ABOUT Friendster.com. In fact, I can't believe I'm on Friendster.com. Every single time I think about it, it seems even stupider than the last time I considered its existence. But you know what? I don't care anymore....

Daniel Bukszpan's The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal.(Book Review)
January 1, 2004... Daniel Bukszpan's The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal (Barnes & Noble Books, $20) is the second-heaviest book I've ever read. Now, this is no reflection whatsoever on its contents; at 4 pounds, 7.6 ounces, it literally has the second-greatest mass...

The daunting guy: there was Koppel and, before him, Donaldson and Rather. Now it's Russert who is reputed to have the power to sway elections and afflict the comfortable.(the screen; interview with Ben Kingsley; Nextel i730 cell phone)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICAN politics? Lots of answers to that one, but mine is that nobody in Washington, D. C., ever understands me when I say Tim Russert belongs on the Food Network. Reducing ideology to the branch of the culinary arts it...

10 things you don't know about women.(Brief Article)
January 1, 2004... 1. We'll try anything once. Twice if you ask nicely. 2. We think about sex just as much as you do--although for us it's not the ultimate goal to "nail one." 3. The words jugs, rack, and clam are best used when referring to items found...

It took Volkswagen 54 years to grow one this big.(Style agenda: a special promotion for esquire readers; offering luxury car )(Brief Article)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2004... Remember the first car they put out? It was small, but it made a big impact. Well, guess what? They're doing it again. But this time it's in the form of a significantly larger, state-of-the-art luxury car called the Phaeton. That's right,...

Beyond AM. beyond FM. XM Satellite Radio.(Style agenda: a special promotion for esquire readers; Delphi XM Roady )(Brief Article)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2004... XM SATELLITE RADIO is 100 amazing digital channels of music, comedy, sports, news and talk, many commercial-free. The new Delphi XM Roady displays song title and artist and can be customized with seven color displays and three interchangeable...

Swiss army night vision.(Style agenda: a special promotion for esquire readers; watch-light)(Brief Article)(Advertisement)
January 1, 2004... The world's first fusion of advanced lighting technology with a Swiss made watch. This "watch-light" exclusively offers a variety of lighting modes: LED flashlight, strobe, locator beacon and UV dial illumination. A heritage of ingenuity and...

Sex.(our expert)
January 1, 2004... > You've got questions, she's got answers * I'm irrationally intrigued by supernumerary nipples. Why do they exist? Are they as sensitive as the other two? Where do they show up? What's the maximum a person can have? Can women lactate out...

Movin' on up.(The Esquire magazine apartment.)
January 1, 2004... Wherein Esquire commandeers a $17 million penthouse at the top of America's tallest residential building, the Trump World Tower. The goal? To assemble the most stylish and up-to-the-minute man's dwelling on the planet, with a little help from...

A songwriter who matters: they're a dime a dozen these days, so it's no surprise that most singer-songwriter albums leave you disappointed. John Vanderslice's Cellar Door is not one of those records.(music)(Sound Recording Review)
January 1, 2004... THESE ARE DOG DAYS FOR SO-CALLED serious songwriters. Show me one who's happy with his lot in life and I'll show you the trust fund he's eating off. But while it's one thing to know the sound of one hand clapping, it's another to be able to...

Five more records worth your lunch money.(Sound Recording Review)
January 1, 2004... Elbow, Cast of Thousands (V2): After a brilliant debut that was erroneously dismissed as a few shades too Radiohead, these artsy Englishmen return with a slab of slow-burning genius featuring mopey arrangements that crawl under your skin and...

Jack Nicholson, 66: movie star.(The Master)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... They're prescription. That's why I wear them. A long time ago, the Middle American in me may have thought it was a bit affected maybe. But the light is very strong in southern California. And once you've experienced negative territory in public...

Christopher Reeve, 51: superman.(The Superheroes)
January 1, 2004... We all have many more abilities and internal resources than we know. My advice is that you don't need to break your neck to find out about them. Many people at fifty think they've already started to go downhill. I actually think the...

Lynda Carter, 52: wonder woman.(The Superheroes)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... The short answer is: Yes, there are hardships to being a young, beautiful woman. People just act weird. Christopher Reeve was always amazing. He was amazing before he was amazing. My daughter was about five and watching TV when I got a...

Adam West, 75: batman.(The Superheroes)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... Johnnie Walker Red--and make it a double. I hate to disillusion you, but the Batmobile went only thirty-two miles an hour I grew up on a ranch in Walla Walla, Washington. Except for one lawyer, I don't remember anyone in my family...

Lauren Hutton, 60: survivor.(The Supermodels)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... Courage? That's facing yourself. Nature never does anything just for fun. It will throw fun in, but nothing is there just for fun. Some people you talk to and the money they have is like a ticker tape coming out of their mouths. ...

Christie Brinkley, 49: uptown girl.(The Supermodels)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... Oh, yeah, I know all the blond jokes. There's a blond walking along the side of the river. All of a sudden she sees a blond on the other side and she calls out, "Hey, do you know how to get to the other side?" And the second blond says, "You...

Carolyn Murphy, 30: surfer girl.(The Supermodels)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... You see airbrushed images of me, but I know the person who's walking barefoot, dodging dog poo in the yard. It was so inexplicable to people when, at the height of my career, I said, "You know what. I'm gonna go to Costa Rica, hang out for...

Jack Black, 34 Kyle Gass, 43: Tenacious D.(The Rock Stars)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... Kyle: A friend is someone who can help you with your career. Jack has been the best friend. Jack: A friend is someone who doesn't fuckin' want anything from you. Just wants to hang. K: I agree with that, too. J: I don't have any...

George Foreman, 54: champ.(The Heavyweights)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... I dread handshakes. I've got some problems with my hands, and everywhere I go, people want to impress me with their grip. To make it worse, now women are coming up with that firm shake. So I'll say, "Gimme five!" If a boy wants a handshake....

Muhammad Ali, 61: champ.(The Heavyweights)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... God will not place a burden on a man's shoulders knowing that he cannot carry it. Parkinson's is my toughest fight. No, it doesn't hurt. It's hard to explain. I'm being tested to see if I'll keep praying, to see if I'll keep my faith. All...

Joe Frazier, 59: champ.(The Heavyweights)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... I grew up in Beaufort, South Carolina, in a six-room farmhouse with a couple of leaning posts to keep it from fallin'. I came up in a time when men were men. They didn't wear no earrings. When I was born, people came to the house and...

Donald Trump, 57: builder.(The Titans)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... The best thing I've ever done? Well, I've created four beautiful children. You mean, other than that? Yes, it's true. As a kid, I was making a building with blocks in our playroom. I didn't have enough. So I asked my younger brother,...

Jack Welch, 68: manager.(The Titans; John F. Welch, Jr.)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... Growing up in Salem, Massachusetts, we would play ball in a playground called the Pit. No organizing. Now kids get organized, driven here, driven there. My grandchildren live a life of three o'clock hockey and four o'clock piano lessons. Our...

Bob Lutz, 71: carmaker.(The Titans; Robert A. Lutz)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... A martini with one lonely ice cube floating around in desolation is not a pleasant sight. I can look at people and, to some extent, tell what type of vehicle they drive. My best moment in a car? Exactly how do you mean that? My...

The best of the best: [volume 2].(Column)
January 1, 2004... Wisdom accumulates. Here, the greatest hits of the past five years. WORK & MONEY If you haven't got a hernia yet, you ain't pulling your share.--George Steinbrenner Success means controlling your own time. If you can gain control...

New Year's revolution.(Column)
January 1, 2004... With resolutions for next year piling up like firewood, the dawn of 2004 brings with it a chance to make good on one promise you can actually keep--updating your wardrobe. As proof, Esquire let loose on three writers with a couple of spring's...

Catching dogs: tales from the front lines of the war between pets and the people who love them.
January 1, 2004... It's not always cats and dogs. It's also crows and horses and rattlesnakes and fighting cocks. It's also pigeons and seagulls and snapping turtles. A pigeon looks sick, a seagull can't fly, a snapping turtle shows up somewhere it shouldn't...

The five-minute guide to ... Mars.(Chronology)
January 1, 2004... ON AUGUST 27, 2003, Mars drew within thirty-five million miles of Earth. Not exactly spitting distance, but the nearest it's come since 57,617 B.C., prompting the launch of three martian explorers. If all goes according to plan--and don't bet...

The enemy, as he sees himself: there are two groups in Iraq who continue to inflict American casualties--the holdovers from Saddam Hussein's regime and the men on these pages. Here, from an Iraqi evidence room, the startling faces of the killers of Ansar al-Islam and Iraq's mujahideen.
January 1, 2004... Three barefoot young men--in America they might be college students--face a lens together beneath a cascading waterfall in the mountains near Iran. Their smiles are wide and appealing. Their poses emanate testosterone and youthful joy. A...

What I've learned: Satan.(this way out)(Interview)
January 1, 2004... I prefer Mephistopheles. God calls me Satan. These days, a lot of people overestimate what they can get for their souls. Frankly, it's a buyer's market. I'm not gonna lie to you. Heaven is a nice place. All the harp music just made me...