Esquire articles from February 2006

Esquire archives from February 2006

"Sunday nights are pretty sedate in our bedroom--sex is usually out of the question. But night something strange happened.".
February 1, 2006... The great thing about being an ex-president is that your mere presence no longer triggers a knee-jerk, vitriolic response. You can be on a magazine cover and people won't inundate that magazine with contemptuous messages. Unless, of course,...

Best and brightest made me better, brighter.(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... Kudos on your Best and Brightest issue. I learned more from two hours spent with Esquire than from reading a host of books, and I saved at least thirty hours on tuition catching up at a top university. JOHN SCHAFER Panama City Beach,...

Whatever it is, he's still got it.(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... Our cover featuring Bill Clinton and the associated profile inspired plenty of reader praise: Joe Conason's article "The Third Term" was superb and left me feeling as I always have about Bill Clinton: I like the guy. If he were running for...

Banksy's enduring mystery.(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... Our Best and Brightest issue included a piece on mysterious London graffiti artist Banksy by frequent contributor Colby Buzzell. Colby Buzzell's article is one of the finest pieces of journalism I've ever read. Buzzell could be to Esquire...

Quiz-related plea of the month.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... Your answer for question 28 of "The Hardest Quiz Ever" ("The titles of a sixties band's first and second Top Ten hits, totaling five words, used only two words between them. What was the band?") is the Hollies. I have to assume you innocently...

Groping female hands ... We don't get it.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... While working on our December cover, we asked Banksy, one of our Best and Brightest honorees, to alter a possible cover image of Bill Clinton. This is the result.

The problem with knowledge.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... The December issue also included a piece by evolutionary theorist Bruce Lahn, whose controversial work suggests that humans are not equally evolved. Publishing Bruce Lahn's piece was an act more irresponsible than impolitical. I question...

Exactly ... no, wait a minute.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... Esquire uses several pages in its "Genius" issue to highlight yet another grossly overpaid, barely educated basketball player on a second-tier team who idolizes mob goons and uses sentences like "Why can't nobody get compared to Magic Johnson?"...

A scratch-and-sniff issue?(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... The "Esquire Encyclopedia of Fragrance" was a great idea, but writing about cologne is like dancing about architecture. I don't even know what "tonka bean and guaiacum wood" are, much less what they might smell like in an Armani bottle. I would...

Esquire magazine brings couples together.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... Sunday nights are pretty sedate in our bedroom--sex is usually out of the question. But last night something strange happened. Falling asleep before my wife got into bed, I soon found myself being awakened by a very playful and passionate...

Another way to improve the world: be less droll.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... In "41 Ways to improve the World" (Man at His Best, December). we suggested that motorcycle riders who "open it up" be subjected to impromptu street beatings. One reader wasn't amused by our sarcasm. I am sure that from the confines of...

Best new punctuation since the Interrobang.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... Among the suggestions included in "41 Ways to Improve the World" (Man at His Best) was this idea: "A punctuation mark that carries more emphasis than a period but less emphasis than an exclamation paint." (sincerity mark) I created...

Kevin finds the beer.(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... I was delighted to see the piece on "poor man's Scotch" in November's Man at His Best. My dear old dad likes Scotch so old it can order itself. And beer. The Innis & Gunn sounded like the perfect birthday present. If I could find it! What...

Elsewhere in the bin.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
February 1, 2006... Mike D'Angelo's review of Brokeback Mountain (Man at His Best, December) was much appreciated, although I could have lived without the convoluted disclaimer that though the author is straight, he didn't vomit at the sight of gay sex onscreen....

An apology.(This Way In: THE SOUND AND THE FURY)
February 1, 2006... Some West Coast readers received December issues missing pages 179 through 194, which included ports of "The Hardest Quiz Ever" and the cover story, "The Third Term," both of which are available at esquire.com. We sincerely apologize for this...

Very difficult reading: "The Hardest Quiz Ever" was not without its problems.
February 1, 2006... WE RECEIVED 146 COMPLETE SETS of answers for December's "The Hardest Quiz Ever," of which nine were 100 percent correct. Or so we thought. While placing dozens of e-mails in the "incorrect" pile, a pattern began to emerge: Quite a few of you...

Esquire's smartest readers ever.
February 1, 2006... Christopher Kupec; Ryan Pierce; the Ally Brats; "A" Lunch; Joseph Samosky and Ashley Williams; Hunter Meisenheimer, Lance Wade, and Will Milford; Team Biz; Joel, Mandy, Nathan, and Jim Michael; Stewart G. Griffin; Robert, Craig, and Yaakov...

The Abe Lincoln of country music.(Abraham Lincoln)(Editorial)
February 1, 2006... I've been thinking about Abe Lincoln and Tim McGraw lately. I've been thinking about McGraw because one of our editors has been hanging out with him and I've been wondering what McGraw's ubiquity has to say about this cultural moment. Lincoln,...

Funny * joke from a beautiful woman.
February 1, 2006... As told by PIPER PERABO A man wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs, he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool of myself at the company party last night. Remind me what I did." "You got in an argument with your...

The eight most remarkable things in culture this month.
February 1, 2006... 1 Luckiest Horse From photographer Otto Stupakoff's RioErotico, an exploration of the liberated sexuality of Brazil. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] 2 Truest Definition "Please advise: 1. Request for input or information. 2. Common...

Director strange love: if there was any hope that Steven Soderbergh was gonna settle down as your ordinary, successful, boring Hollywood Helmer, bubble bursts it.(MAN AT HIS BEST: The Screen)(Movie Review)
February 1, 2006... It used to be so simple. Since Edison, the release of a new movie inspired a single binary equation: To see or not to see? With the advent of home video in the 1980s, a priority-based fissure developed in the former category. Suddenly, there...

Jaime Pressly.(THE ENDORSEMENT)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... I'M WELL ACQUAINTED with the wry, ironic spin Maggie Gyllenhaal brings to her zingers in Happy Endings and the subtly gauged insouciance that is Scarlett Johansson's gift to Match Point. Still, Jaime Pressly makes them look as if they were...

Q+A: Tommy Lee Jones.(Interview)
February 1, 2006... THE OSCAR WINNER has stepped behind the camera for his latest, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada. This revisionist western follows a ranch foreman (Jones) who seeks vigilante justice when a border policeman (Barry Pepper) kills his...

Record of the month: the believer, by Rhett Miller.(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... After more than a decade of strum and twang with Dallas's alt-country pioneering Old 97's, Rhett Miller is releasing as his second solo album a heaping mound of creamy pop Confection--albeit a twisted sort in which the title track wrestles with...

Lose the stale stuff and replace it with these four unexpected gems.(THE REPLACEMENTS)
February 1, 2006... You own: Norah Jones, Come Away with Me. In retrospect, the ten million Norah Jones fans who bought this weren't wrong, just boring. Replace it with: Sia, Colour the Small One. She splits the difference between Beck and Beth Orton with stunning...

John Waters.(music critics )(Brief Article)(Interview)
February 1, 2006... He's one of cinema's savviest music fanatics. "When I turn in a script," says John Waters, 'I turn in a complete soundtrack with it." So what music is Waters digging now? "I'm obsessed with Christmas," he says, pointing to his own recently...

A few good men: a hurried man's guide to unsung war heroes.(MAN AT HIS BEST: Books)(Warriors: Portraits from the Battlefield)(Book Review)
February 1, 2006... THERE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OFFICERS who straddled the line between awesome courage and reckless hubris, whether they were fighting off 4,000 enraged Zulu warriors or flying blind over Nazi Germany. Fifteen of them get their due in Max Hastings's...

Big book of the month.("The Amalgamation Polka")(Book Review)
February 1, 2006... I DON'T CARE WHAT college professors say; historical drama is the great nap of American arts and letters. Predetermined, with no surprises, it makes for lousy art, loaded with all the tension of a waterlogged towel. What makes The...

The rules.(MAN AT HIS BEST: Books)
February 1, 2006... RULE NO. 73: It's really great to wear a white suit exactly once a year. RULE NO. 102: Properly made, leftover chili gets better and better every day until the fourth day, at which point it begins its slow decline. RULE NO. 317: Your fear of...

The digital man awards: Esquire's gadget guru picks his five favorite electronic toys of the past year.
February 1, 2006... 1. The Sony HDR-FX1 (S3,700; sony.com) is a beautiful (but large) high-definition video camera. The FX1 uses three CCD sensors (most video cameras use one) to achieve its crisp, saturated colors. It records on standard mini-DV tapes to achieve...

Why is the Prince Albert piercing named after Prince Albert?(MAN AT HIS BEST: Sex)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... I'm afraid no one knows. You see, although everyone was warned repeatedly, no one let Prince Albert out of the can, and he suffocated. People thought it was just a joke, but now who's laughing? Certainly not the guys with rings through the...

What is frotteurism?(MAN AT HIS BEST: Sex)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... Allegedly, it began as a controversial branch of Christianity founded by an American, Joseph Smithfrotter, who claimed he was instructed by Jesus to go into the woods and pleasure himself against unsuspecting bears. But now it refers to a...

Now that we've mapped the genome and cloned a human embryo, are fake boobs getting any more lifelike? And what does a good boob job go for these days?(MAN AT HIS BEST: Sex)
February 1, 2006... Yes and no. They're completely lifelike, but they all end up like Dolly the sheep's. However, I have seen the immediate future, and it has the flannelly sheen of 1992. Back then, two substances were deemed public health hazards and banned by...

Read this, lose weight.(MAN AT HIS BEST: The Better Man)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... We like the idea of losing weight, but we don't want to make a bunch of painful sacrifices to get there. That's why we asked Lance Armstrong's coach, Chris Carmichael, to help us generate this list of dietary adjustments that seem minor, even...

Best health-related sentence not previously published in Esquire.(MAN AT HIS BEST: The Better Man)
February 1, 2006... "BACK DOWN THE ELEVATOR and into a gleaming subway teeming with blind people, burn victims, hairless seven-year-olds, he-men on crutches, older folks twisted in wheelchairs... and me navigating among them, if barely, what with my bandaged...

My doctor seems more interested in the quality of his life than the quality of mine. Any tips on being smart about finding a new doc?(Ask Dr. Oz: FREE ADVICE FROM A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL)
February 1, 2006... It's going to take a bit of detective work to find the right doctor for you. You don't want to just pick the closest office or the first name you find in the insurance company's directory. Instead, ask around. Specifically, ask a nurse. No one...

Terlingua, Texas: 3 days/$300.(REAL ADVENTURES FOR REGULAR GUYS)
February 1, 2006... For my 40th birthday, I craved a specific kind of adventure: a free-ranging few days in a strange land, but nothing too hardcore. No Sherpas or risk of hacking off my own limb, and minimal chance of appearing in a Jon Krakauer book. For...

Wings on fire: deep-fried poultry product of the month.(MAN AT THIS BEST: Food & Drink)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... Chef Marc Meyer has built his latest restaurant--New York's new Cookshop-around the idea that simple is good, but simple with a modern touch is even better. Deviled eggs with caviar. Fried spiced hominy-basically upscale Corn Nuts. And these...

The Esquire super bowl drinking game.(MAN AT HIS BEST: Food & Drink)
February 1, 2006... Any time a commentator refers to Super Bowl XL as "Super Bowl Extra Large," drink twice. When the singer of The Star-Spangled Banner adds a syllable to a word (e.g. "bra-A-a-A-a-A-a-A-a-VUH"), take a drink for each syllable. If ABC goes to the...

Tasty lites.(MAN AT HIS BEST: Food & Drink)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... When we said we were looking for good light beers, the folks at Bierkraft, New York's mecca for the brew-obsessed shopper, laughed at us. Fair enough; experience has shown us little to contradict the old saw that light beer is like making love...

The world's fiercest mammal, contagious yawning & why modern leaders don't measure up.(MAN AT HIS BEST: The Answer Fella)
February 1, 2006... ESQUIRE'S ANSWER FELLA believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid people who don't ask questions, fearing they'll look stupid. So ask Answer Fella anything. If he doesn't know the answer, he'll find out who does or who has a...

Shameless obsession of the month: Armani's new watch.(the guide: what to wear and how to wear it)(Borgo 21)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... It's part and parcel of the culture of fashion that any savvy brand can earn big bucks by sticking its name on a cheap watch. And many designers do. But making one that captures your own design style while standing up to the exacting scrutiny...

Trademarks: six subtle signs of quality construction, all worth paying for.(the guide * acquisitions)
February 1, 2006... 1. The Battistoni collar: In 1946, Guglielmo Battistoni started hand-making shirts out of his shop in Rome. The tailoring house's craftsmanship is still evident in its hand-sewn extra-rolled collars. Cotton shirt ($350). 2. Etro's lining:...

A name you should know.(Hickey)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... As subsidiary brands go, Hickey is a very promising chip off the old block, the old block in question being Hickey Freeman. The Rochester, New York, clothing company was founded in 1899, offering ready-made tailoring that was a high-quality yet...

Ode to the boxer-brief.(the guide * useful knowledge)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... Seldom does the American man, so accustomed to endless options and freedom of choice, take the omnipresence of one item as easily as he seems to have taken the proliferation of the boxer-brief. Since the early nineties, boxer-briefs have made...

The sixty-second city: Miami.(the guide * useful knowledge)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... The best advice when arriving in Miami? Don't fight it. Start with some sexy wheels. "At Auto Boutique, you can rent anything from a Mini Cooper to a Lamborghini," says Perla Torres, concierge at the Mandarin Oriental hotel. Or choose a yacht...

How to dress like Gordon Gekko in Wall Street.(the guide * useful knowledge)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... First, you'll need power. If you have it, one snap of your suspenders (1) sends people into action. If you don't, get a pair of the fasteners anyway, along with one impeccable two-button corporate-takeover suit (2). In your leather...

Dressing up, without the suit: keep the jacket; lose the pants. Then give your style genes some exercise.(the guide * useful knowledge)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... How do you go formal without going formal? It's easy. Keep the jacket and wear pure quality everywhere else. Remember, subtle touches make all the difference. Start with the options below, all of which are interchangeable. No tie: In place...

The 10 rules of (alternative) high style.(the guide * useful knowledge)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... 1. The most valuable garment you can own for formal occasions? A hand-stitched navy jacket. 2. The only jeans permissible for even the slightest formal situation are made of dark denim, fit like well-made trousers, and feature no holes or rips....

The secret lives of t-shirts: Atlanta rapper Young Jeezy isn't the only one passing secrets through the medium of preshrunk cotton. Here, four other garments that don't quite say what they mean.(Chuck Klosterman's America)
February 1, 2006... YOU HAVE NO IDEA what's going on. You really, truly don't. I'm sorry to be the person telling you this, but I feel a moral obligation to do so. We live in a false world. This has been the case since the Golden Age of Hoboes...

10 things you don't know about women.(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... 1. Guys, stop dousing yourselves with fragrance. If a man is swimming in cologne, chances are he's drowning out all of his better qualities. 2. Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be...

One thing perfectly: Apolo Ohno is one of those guys who are famous for seventeen days at a time, twice a decade. His next seventeen days are coming, and they will be borderline insane.(speed skaters)(Interview)
February 1, 2006... HE FILLS THE WAITING MOSTLY WITH ROUTINE. Every night, like tonight, he returns to his shared dorm room at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs (where he's now spent seven of his twenty-three years), stretches out on his floor's thin...

Q+A: Jake Burton Carpenter.(Interview)
February 1, 2006... Jake Burton Carpenter didn't invent snowboarding--that credit probably belongs to Sherman Poppen, the creator of an early prototype known as the Snurfer. But there's a decent chance that if Carpenter, 51, didn't spend his nights in 1977 holed...

The lazy man's product guide: mowing a lawn. Arousing a woman. Flipping the pages of a book. Who can be bothered? Not the author, who set out to create the most indolent lifestyle money can buy.
February 1, 2006... I'VE NEVER BEEN a guy who liked doing much. I wear loafers because I hate bending over to tie my shoes. I stopped drinking milk years ago because I had issues with those bizarrely resistant unfolding cardboard tops. And I'd gladly pay a hundred...

Voice Command Universal Remote.(The Lazy Man's Product Guide)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
February 1, 2006... The invention of the remote control was a big day in the history of the Lazy Man. So the voice-controlled remote seems the perfect next evolutionary step, even if it is designed for the disabled. To me, it signals a brave new world where you...

Lids off open-it-all jar opener.(The Lazy Man's Product Guide)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
February 1, 2006... Any product that advertises itself as "requiring absolutely no hand strength" belongs in the Lazy Man's kitchen. As easy as this automatic opener is to use--just stick in a jar and press a button--I have to admit that I broke it by putting a...

Touch turner page turner.(The Lazy Man's Product Guide)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
February 1, 2006... Since this device is intended for disabled people, it seemed slightly gruesome to order one just so I could read Cracked magazine without having to lift a hand, but we do what we must. In general, mine performed fairly well--after four and a...

OneDerWear.(The Lazy Man's Product Guide)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
February 1, 2006... A pile of dirty laundry is the Lazy Man's totem. We drop our clothes where we take them off. Wash them? Please. I've loved the idea of disposable clothes since I first saw Logan's Run, but OneDerWear's single-use skivvies provide as much...

The Slightest Touch erotic stimulator.(The Lazy Man's Product Guide)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
February 1, 2006... Let's face it: At a certain point, foreplay can be a grind. That's where the Slightest Touch comes in. It's basically two pads you attach to a woman's ankles that send a tiny electric current up her legs and into her hoo-ha. The only...

Sonicare IntelliClean toothbrush.(The Lazy Man's Product Guide)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
February 1, 2006... The beauty of this device, which not only vibrates superfast to save you the trouble of moving your hand but actually pumps toothpaste up a Wonka-like tube directly onto the bristles of your brush for you, is that it effectively eliminates...

Robomower.(The Lazy Man's Product Guide)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
February 1, 2006... It was obvious to me upon receipt of the robotic lawn mower that it's still a thing of the future. Someone else's future. It took two UPS drivers to carry it to my porch, and it came with its own docking station. It's governed by an intricately...

GoDogGo fetch machine.(The Lazy Man's Product Guide)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
February 1, 2006... The way it's supposed to work, you set this device in your yard and retreat to your porch, where, using a remote control, you fire a tennis ball in a beautifully repeating arc toward yonder fence, immediately after which your well-trained dog...

The engineers: at ground zero, now comes the hard work of transforming design into building on the most contested sixteen-acre plot on earth. When it is completed, the 1,776-foot Freedom Tower will symbolize promise and peril to the world, but at the moment, it constitutes one of the great engineering problems of our time. The second in a series of exclusive reports.(THE REBUILDING PART 2)
February 1, 2006... THE SPEECHIFYING IS OVER at ground zero. The ceremonies have been held, some more than once. The bagpipers have piped, the silver bells have been rung, and the ground itself, hallowed or not, has been broken more often than Madonna's...

Just another day at the office: these Hollywood stuntmen are living proof that it takes years of training to safely risk your life. But to look good doing it? Well, all you really need are this season's finest lightweight suits.(ESQUIRE STYLE)(Buyers Guide)
February 1, 2006... THE MORNING COMMUTE Veteran stuntman Craig Baxley Jr. (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, Murder by Numbers), with catlike balance, never leaves the house without his briefcase. Two-button wool-and-mohair suit ($1,450) and silk tie...

Who the hell is Tim McGraw? Tug's boy and Faith's husband is thirty-three million records, several movies, and a few prime-time specials into his runaway American dream. He's also a poor kid from Start, Louisiana, who wants nothing more than to someday be known as Governor McGraw. But really ...(Interview)(Biography)
February 1, 2006... Country Tim, Part 1 The brightest star in country is always trying to come up with good titles for unwritten country songs. "Some of these have been passed down for generations on the road," he says, grinning wide. "'How Can I Get Over You...

The country we love: yes, country is the most popular music in America. And, yes, lots of it blows. Here are the songs that don't.
February 1, 2006... THE TRICKY THING about mainstream country is that even the best artists tend to make wildly uneven albums. They almost have to. Country-radio programmers crave tripe patties, not artful song craft, so the finest, most affecting stuff rarely...

The art of buying lingerie: baby, it's bleak outside. Forget swimsuits; this is the season for indoor cheer. Presenting our first annual midwinter guide to warmth, love, and ...(a guide, with pictures)(Buyers Guide)
February 1, 2006... * With special appearances by model Erin Wasson, who certainly has mastered the art of wearing lingerie. Thong and Thigh-Highs Ah, the lingerie shop. Its combination of thrilling, limitless potential and confounding, byzantine wares is...

William Shatner: (Actor, recording artist, author, 74, Los Angeles).(What I've Learned)
February 1, 2006... * Sex should be a template for your day. You need to start slow and end completely. * There's something to be said for the niceness and politeness of Canadians, saying thank you and being concerned with a stranger, being helpful and all...

Uma: eigtheen years ago, she dropped out boarding school to work. Now, on the heels of a career performance in The Producers, she'd like to honor the good people--the Dalai, the Ali, the Quentin, the Oprah-- she's learned from along the way.(Uma Thurman, Dalai Lama, Muhammad Ali, Quentin Tarantino, Oprah Winfrey)(Interview)
February 1, 2006... The Dalai Lama The memory of meeting the Dalai Lama makes me think of my younger brother. We were living in India at the time, and the trip to the Dalai Lama's residence in Dharmsala, the holy city outside Tibet, involved many buses and...

Dubious achievements 2005: politicians in handcuffs, starlets in car wrecks, Sean Penn in a dinghy--even the disaster relief needed disaster relief. Clearly, a year so hellishly Dubious demands a heckuva response. Things must be tweaked! So loot some booze, grab some shingle, and make sure Grandma's just sleeping. This might take a while.
February 1, 2006... AND ANOTHER $50 BILLION FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF A GROUP CALLED "THE BEATLES" NASA announced it will spend $104 billion on a project that will send astronauts to the moon. ACTUALLY, WE'RE GONNA GO WITH "MR. SPEARS" Kevin Federline...

Corrections of the year.(Correction Notice)
February 1, 2006... "Norma Adams-Wade's June 15 column incorrectly called Mary Ann Thompson-Frenk a socialist. She is a socialite."--The Dallas Morning News, June 16 "Please read in paragraph nine: 'about 27 million Soviet citizens died'... instead of......

The 2005 dubious achievements reader poll: they offended. You went to esquire.com and voted.
February 1, 2006... MOST DUBIOUS QUOTE 64.2% "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."--George W. Bush to FEMA director Michael Brown 13.4% "You are so fucking hot. Just to look at you. If you agree with anything I've said, just say yes to me or give me a...

Who am I?
February 1, 2006... MATCH THE CELEBRITY WITH THE INAPPROPRIATE SELF-COMPARISON (1) R. KELLY (A) [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] (2) MICHAEL JACKSON (B) [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] (3) TERRELL OWENS (C) [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] (4) LINDSAY LOHAN ...

Memoirs of 2006.(Oscar Goodman, Kazakhstan, pregnant high school students, Ohio)
February 1, 2006... BUT STILL NO SOLUTION TO THE CELINE DION PROBLEM In an effort to reduce vandalism, Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman suggested that graffiti artists have their thumbs cut off on television. Goodman also suggested the return of whippings for...

New "legal" performance pill hits market: size * strength * musculature: who would have thought a compound developed to help people overcome muscle atrophy would go beyond nitric oxide, beyond so-called "precursors," to become the bodybuilding breakthrough of the decade?(Endothil-CR, Novex Biotech)(Advertisement)
February 1, 2006... In a remarkable turn of events, arguably one of the strangest in the history of athletic performance, an offshoot of research directed to help victims of muscle atrophy has now become an underground cult phenomenon among bodybuilders,...

2006 winter Olympics preview.(This Way Out)
February 1, 2006... WINTER SPORTS QUIZ 1. In which two events do biathletes compete? a) Pie-eating contest while jumping rope. b) Shooting while skiing. c) Swimming with a shot put. d) Making Jiffy Pop while performing oral sex. 2. What...

Fascinating facts.(This Way Out)(Brief Article)
February 1, 2006... If Evgeni Plushenko wins in figure skating, he'll be the fifth straight Russian men's skater to win gold. However, he'll still have to live under the fascist rule of that douchebag Putin who stole Robert Kraft's Super Bowl ring. Yeah, he...

Olympic odds.(This Way Out)(Illustration)
February 1, 2006... 3 to 2 That you'll watch the curling finals for more than five seconds before switching to Nancy Grace. 2 to 1 That Al Trautwig will repeatedly eat the last piece of gnocchi....