Esquire articles from April 2002

Esquire archives from April 2002

The sound & the fury: our February issue undertook to examine How to Be Tough, and as part of that quest, contributing editor Wil S. Hylton explored the thirty-year personal and political relationship between the Bush administration's two most potent figures, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld ("Dick and Don Go to War").
April 1, 2002... As I haven't felt so walled off from an administration since Reagan was president, I was thoroughly intrigued and engaged by Hylton's enlightening look into the political lives and times of Cheney and Rumsfeld. But the story stopped short, and...

The high life.(Letter to the Editor)
April 1, 2002... Also in February, Anonymous gave us an account of the active lives of marijuana smokers, including himself, in his clean-cut suburban neighborhood ("The Secret Lives of Suburban Stoners"). I had to throw my hands up and shout "Hallelujah!"...

Old-school skills.(Letter to the Editor)
April 1, 2002... February also included another installment of our series on How to Be a Better Man--this one dedicated to educating our readers on some of the forgotten skills of their grandfathers ("The Lost Arts"). Derek Jeter, the Caliph of Kalamazoo?...

A woman we love: Leilani Munter. (Man at His Best).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... We like the fact that she was Catherine Zeta-Jones's body double in Traffic. We're kind of into the umlaut in her last name. (Her father was a German neurologist.) But the real draw here: the way she handles a high-performance vehicle at 150...

(The excerpts): the best & worst of culture this month.(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... BEST REASON TO HOPE YOUR MISPLACED COMB IS UNDER THE COUCH "Items that have been retrieved by physicians from the vaginas of women (as documented in the medical literature): Set of false teeth, pine cone, rubber ball, shot glass, highball...

A beautifully warped mind. (Entertainment).(Brief Article)(Interview)
April 1, 2002... If you're talking to the man who wrote Being John Malkovich, the question will arise: What's it like inside his brain? "It's fine, thank you," says Charlie Kaufman. "Messy, probably. Confused. Unhappy too much of the time. But it's okay." That...

4 reasons you should buy this album: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, by Wilco. (Entertainment).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... 1. Because you can buy it. For a while there, this album--the finest yet from critics' pet Wilco--was in danger of never getting released. The skittish original label pulled out, spurring the band to put the music on its Web site for free,...

Why to eat bunny. (Food and Drink).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... Let me try to sort this out: Americans think nothing of roasting Donald Duck, barbecuing Porky Pig, stewing Molly Moo-Cow, grilling Lamb Chop, even braising Bambi, but the thought of cooking Thumper to a succulent turn makes most of them...

5 wines to save your life. (Food and Drink).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... I'm still waiting for some study to tell me that a nice cheesesteak with a side of fries will increase my life span. And when is some scientist going to prove that watching Blind Date lowers your cholesterol? In the meantime, I'm delighted by...

How to design a pickup truck. (Man at His Best).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... If Detroit's obsession with nostalgia continues, we'll soon be driving around in fuel-injected Roman chariots. In the meantime, the search is on for the next head-turning retro vehicle--the next PT Cruiser or Beetle or T-Bird. Perhaps the...

The endorsement: Miracle Whip. (Opinions).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... I don't know why families lie to kids about the small stuff. The big mysteries--sex, death, mumbling Uncle Sidney--okay, sure. But mayonnaise? Here's the truth: I didn't realize that Miracle Whip was not actually mayonnaise until I was past 40...

The complaint: the electric hand dryer. (Opinions).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... The hand dryer--valiantly answering a need that never existed. What could be a simpler, faster, more elegant solution to wet hands than the paper towel? Nothing. And yet some schmoe devoted months of brainpower to devising an automated solution...

12 other reasons to overthrow Saddam Hussein. (Opinions).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... 1. His favorite movie is Stop/ Or My Mom Will Shoot. 2. He loves to push the "close doors" button in elevators when people are running and waving their hands. 3. He announces his sneezes. 4. He uses any excuse to employ the Arabic version of...

The perfect cup of coffee. (Man at His Best).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... PART ONE: The Brewing Call in late for work. Turn off Katie Couric. Concentrate. This is not for dilettantes. Brewing the ultimate cup of coffee--like, say, Olympic diving--requires devotion to every nuance to achieve the perfect 10. Don't...

Big important book of the month. (Reading and Writing).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... Everything is Illuminated--by the disturbingly young 25-year-old writer Jonathan Safran Foer--is one of the most impressive first novels in a long time. Why? Partly because of what it's not. It's not a life-denying novel about alienation and...

The skinniest laptop ever. (Reading and Writing).(computers)(Evaluation)
April 1, 2002... Just how thin is this laptop? Put it this way: It's not much thicker than a grilled-cheese sandwich. About as thick as a fat guy's pinkie. Or a New York City Zagat's survey. If you piled 56 of these laptops on top of one another, they still...

5 more for your shelf. (Reading and Writing).
April 1, 2002... Tom Bradby's first novel, The Master of Rain (Doubleday, $26), is a great murder story set in demonically sumptuous, decadent, and corrupt 1920s Shanghai.... In his memoir My Mentor (Houghton Mifflin, $22), Esquire contributor Alec Wilkinson...

The silk blazer. (The Essential).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... NOT NAVY. Not the social-climbing color of choice for prep-school hellions, yacht owners, and doormen in park-view apartment buildings. Instead, here's a blue that's a little more adventurous but still isn't trying to be anything more than...

4 ways to wear seersucker. (The Style Guide).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... The Classic Suit Sort of like what Atticus Finch wore, only with a narrow torso, slim trousers, and more-modern "furnishings" --shirt, tie, shoes --so it works north or south of the Mason-Dixon, Three-button single-breasted cotton...

Briefcases. (The Style Guide).(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... In Brief: Never mind the messenger bag--toss it. Boxy makes a comeback, and cases with all the curves of an '86 Volvo will be the carryall of choice among the suited masses. Kevin Slattery, buyer for the oldest luggage store in America, Crouch...

Tyson is murder; the meatpacking giant is no kinder to own bottom line than it is to small animals. How is that possible? (The Portfolio: a Man and His Money).(Tyson Foods Inc.)
April 1, 2002... IN VEGAS, there's a saying: "Sometimes the lamb rises up and slaughters the butcher. But generally, bet the butcher." In the case of meatpacker Tyson Foods, however, the butcher is the underdog. The company owns the dominant share of its...

Fire up the stogie; after a long drought, the Boston Celtics have a star who's survived long enough to become great and a shot at going deep into the playoffs. (The Game).(Paul Pierce, basketball player)
April 1, 2002... THE ORIGINAL BANNERS now hang in a health club, and they're the least healthy-looking thing about the place--and that includes the floor mats, the doorjambs, and most of the custodial staff. The place is bright and sunny, and so are its...

Nike branches out. Again. (The Review).(golf clubs)(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... WANT TO PLAY NIKE'S NEW STICKS? You'd better bring your A game, because this club launch is targeting those well-tanned flat-bellies who don't faint at the sight of a 1-iron. David Duval used Nike's forged irons ($899) to win last year's...

The fellowship of the wrong; it's that time again. Presenting our critic's third annual celebration-cum-decimation of the year in "film": Esquire's alternative Oscars. (The Screen).
April 1, 2002... BACK IN JANUARY, my hunch was that the Oscar smackdown would be between Ridley Scott's Black Hawk Down and Ron Howard's A Beautiful Mind, pitting Hollywood's notion of inspiration for our times (even massacres have heroes) against Hollywood's...

Why go to the doctor? Five reasons you should consider canceling your annual physical exam. And we're fairly certain that your doctor will agree. (The Body).
April 1, 2002... I SWEAR, SOME PEOPLE seemed less disoriented by the events of September 11 than by the news from Danish scientists that regular mammography may not give women any edge in surviving breast cancer--only in having to suffer more treatments and...

Cameron Diaz loves you; we wouldn't have published this photograph if it weren't so reflective of the true nature of our story's subject. See for yourself. (Cover Story).(Cover Story)
April 1, 2002... She is the kind of girl who gets you thinking that you know exactly what kind of girl she is. She's like that, this one is. Like, for instance, one fellow whom I know was thinking about her not long ago, and he began telling me these things,...

All about women: her handbag, her breasts, her medicine cabinet, her orgasms, her adulterous affairs, her fantasies, her ambivalence about sex, her love of sex, her thongs, her labor pains, her self-love, her bubble letters, her stilletos, her love of porn, her baths, her foot massages. It's all here. Eight pages of secrets revealed. Go ahead, read it. You might learn something.
April 1, 2002... Okay. What's in the handbag? A (totally authorized) check of the purses of Esquire's female staffers revealed: a piece of pine bark, Tums, Australian chewing sticks, a seashell, Shout wipes, a yoga schedule, licorice-flavored rolling...

Her medicine cabinet: the quiz.(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... How well do you know your wife and/or girlfriend? You know she likes potpourri, soft lighting, and anything starring Sela Ward. But that's kid stuff. THE REAL QUESTION: Do you know what lurks in her medicine cabinet? Take two minutes to...

What women don't understand about men; you got a couple hours?(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... DON'T GET US started. What is it that we don't understand about you? Oh, don't get us started. Well, let's start with your whole seventh-grade thing. Was that a very, very big year for you? We don't get this. We don't get why you still...

The jeweler.(Short Story)
April 1, 2002... The old man ordered the soup of the day again, homemade noodles and chicken served with bread and a glass of house wine, and wiped at his nose with his napkin the whole time he ate. It was February, and everybody on the East Coast had the flu....

Lunch break: how do you spend your midday is nobody's business but your own. But here's what you should be wearing.(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... BUSINESS LUNCH The phrase "power lunch" came into vogue in the '80s, around the same time as the equally vile "power suit." Better to call it a business lunch, the sharp, quiet uniform for which happily eschews shoulder pads and loud ties...

Working-class hero: in order to keep on winning, Milwaukee Bucks head coach George Karl will outwork you, outmotivate you, and outfight you. The one thing he will never do is wear more underwear than you.(Interview)
April 1, 2002... George Karl is one ugly customer. He's bald, fat, and fifty, with a big-ass boyhood dog-bite scar slicing down and around one side of his mouth and chin. He is haggard, puffy-eyed, crooked with pain. He needs a new hip, his knees are shot, and...

Lucinda Williams [Musician, 49, Nasville]. (What I've Learned).(Brief Article)(Interview)
April 1, 2002... There's this whole myth that surrounds the idea of songwriting--you know, you're sitting on the edge of your bed, drinking Jack Daniel's, depressed as shit, and you're writing. That's never worked for me. Some of my best friends are music...

It's a mod world.
April 1, 2002... Mod, the shaggy-haired, suit-coated, rock 'n' roll style that swept young Britain in the sixties and saw a revival in the late seventies, is poised for its third coming. A handful of famous quadropheniacs, past and present, demonstrate how to...

The next Arafat: well, perhaps that's not fair. Jibril Rajoub may very soon actually lead the Palestinian people.
April 1, 2002... Behind him, Yasir Arafat peers down from the wall, monitoring the conversation. The man sits at his desk, reciting numbers. You can tell numbers are important to Jibril Rajoub. Certain numbers are lodged in his brain like splinters in flesh....

How Gaetano Paterniti became an American; all of the stories about Paterniti the barber are big stories. This is one of them.
April 1, 2002... [I] Many years ago, when the world felt as if it were ending, my grandfather packed a valise in a mountain village on the island of Sicily with his boots, a few items of clothing, and a pair of steel scissors, and went to war. The scissors...

The Esquire book of world records for men. (This Way Out).(Humor)(Brief Article)
April 1, 2002... World record for driving the longest period of time without speaking to his wife: 2,837 miles, Larry Rivkin on cross-country trip; finally asked her to "shut the hell up" in Pocatello, Idaho. Most channels flipped through before stopping to...